A band, a pig, sex and death…what more could you ask for in black comedy?

A man with a plan and a van.

Clive Brendon is in a fix. It’s bloody desperate. The record company will drop GOLIATH if they don’t produce an album soon. Clive’s got a month to show them all he’s promised; if he fails the bastards will wrench back the advance; the trouble is Clive spent it.  If he can’t get those little fuckers off their god-damned-lazy drug and sex-fuelled arses he’s up shit creek. So he’s come up with a plan, take them where there are no distractions and the boredom might just turn them back to their music. He’s got to admit it’s a long shot, but it’s the only sodding shot he’s got. He’s found an isolated island off the coast of Scotland and hired, using his personal fucking credit card, the old Lairds house for one month.

To get the lads up and into the van was a mission that started at 2pm, one at a time, involving trickery and coercion of the kind Clive would not normally condone. Fingers was signed out of rehab and tempted into the vehicle by a well-known groupie; Clive had to endure the sounds of intercourse all the way to Cyclon’s place, where Fingers fell asleep and the groupie was put into the care of Cyclon’s Mum. Cyclon was off his face as expected and was convinced to get in the van only by improvising a story about a trip to Indonesia to find Jesus. Betty (nee Bart) Grabo acquiesced due to the fact his girlfriend was in the middle of throwing him out – a lucky co-incidence – H. Butt had to be carried and Will got in just because everyone else was present.

By the time they arrive at the remote quay Clive has lost his sense of humour and Goliath are fucking well doing his head in. He sits a little way off chain smoking and shivering and trying not to show how much he hates being called ‘Brenda’ – squinting now and then over at the pretty wild looking island and checking his watch. Finally, he sees a boat cutting across, slicing through the icy calm water. He stubbs out his fag amongst the five already dead and stands…

To be continued…